Remorse: A forgotten virtue

I have been thinking lately about the way our world works.  There is a virtue that has become ignored, forgotten and even beyond that it is seen now as a sign of weakness and is rooted out like a weed.
I am talking about remorse.  Showing remorse or regret for choices is seen as a weakness.  Admitting that we did something wrong is seen as a lack of character.  We seem so focused on being capable, strong and most importantly right, that to acknowledge remorse is like confessing a moral defect.
This is sort of backwards.  The repentance process requires that we first recognize that we have done something wrong.  To recognize our need to repent means not just that we acknowledge that we did something that hurt others, or accepting the responsibility of correcting the hurt or damage we have done, it needs to include a genuine regret for the hurt.  It means that we recognize that we should have done something different.

More thoughts on Peter

Yesterday was Father's Day, which went largely unnoticed in the household, mostly because everyone in our particular household had gotten the week wrong and we celebrated last week.

But I did spend some more time this last week considering more about the life of Peter.  I was able to get the the temple one day this week, but because of poor timing, or excellent timing, I arrived just after a session had started and I had a 30 minute wait.  I decided that since I had speculated wildly about Peter's motivations last week, maybe I should re-read some parts. 

I re-read each of the accounts in the Gospels to see what was said.  Three of the Gospels seemed to have  the feel that Peter was sorrowful and regretted denying the Savior, but I didn't see in any of them an actual statement that Peter had done wrong.  Also, I got to thinking, he was the only disciple mentioned that actually didn't flee and abandon the Savior but actually followed along and stayed as close as he could.  This was another sign of his devotion, but also the trigger for his denial.  Had Peter chosen to flee away, no one would have been questioning and badgering him about being with Christ, but because he was there at the scene people asked him.  He must have felt fear for his safety and anxiety that he would not be able to fulfill his role as leader of the church if he was taken and slain too.  Also, Peter must have been expecting and hoping that Christ was going to once again escape the hands of his tormentors and they would all continue to preach together.  When Peter denied knowing the Savior for the third time and the cock crowed, at least part of what could have gone through Peter's mind was that the fulfillment of this statement of the Savior's meant that truly the Savior's statements about his own death were also about to come to pass.  Could some of Peter's sorrow and bitterness been caused by his own recognition that he was about to see the Christ, the Savior, the Messiah die?  Was part of his sorrow and bitterness prompted by fear that what he thought was true may not be?  I don't really know, but as I ponder the meaning of this night for Peter it is clear that the depth of emotion for Peter must have been extreme.  So much was being called into question and so much was being asked of him, and he did stay as close as he could and he was there when the Savior was on the cross and he was the first of the Apostles to enter the tomb.

Another incident that I mentioned last week comes back to mind.  When the Savior walked on the water and Peter stepped out of the boat into the storm tossed seas, he did walk.  Much good can be learned from understanding that only when Peter took his focus off of the Savior did he begin to sink and perish, but read closely and you see again the character of this man.  He was walking on the water amidst all the turmoil of the storm and could he have realized, "What am I doing?  I can't possibly do this!"  Peter's realization of quite literally the gravity of his situation must have overwhelmed him.  His sudden realization that he was quite literally doing the impossible could have been just too much for him.  But, and this is a key, in this moment when he realized that what the Savior had asked him to do was beyond his own capacity, and when he realized that he was already doing it, but couldn't continue, he didn't turn back to the boat, he didn't lose hope and sink under the waves.  He called out to the Savior.  Peter knew what and who was the source of his salvation.  We would do well to remember all of Peter's example on this night.  When the storms toss us and we are asked to do miracles, when the impossibility of doing what we must do is overwhelming us and we are perishing, we can call out "Lord, save me" and the response will probably be "O, thou of little faith" but the hands will reach out and lift us up.  The scriptures mention very little about what happened after Peter called out, but I imagine him being lifted up and walking alongside Jesus back to the boat, not in failure, but in triumph because Peter knew who he trusted.

And Peter went out and wept bitterly

Peter the Apostle is an interesting figure. He is often characterized in light of his weakness and his denial of Christ on the night of Christ's capture by the Pharisees and Sadducees. There is so much more to Peter than this denial, and much more to his alleged denial than has been said.

Peter was by trade a fisherman, a man accustomed to hard physical labor and more than likely accustomed to risking his life in the face of physical dangers. He fished the Sea of Galilee and would have been accustomed to facing his problems directly by his own physical capacity and ingenuity.

Imagine this man called to be a fisher of men, called to think, to listen, to turn the other cheek, to be meek and lowly of heart. Throughout the New Testament Christ rebukes Peter, not for his hesitancy, but for his impetuosity. Even when he lacked faith he shows daring. When the Savior walked toward their ship on the water and all thought it was a ghost or a spirit, Peter upon hearing the Savior's voice cried out, "Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water." and he did, often more attention is paid to the very valuable and powerful message that Peter only began to sink when he took his eyes off of the Savior. But, he did walk on the water. Peter stepped out of the boat and walked several steps before, as it were the distractions of the storm he walked through pulled him down. Yes, the Savior rebuked him, but maybe in mildness rather than in frustration, O thou of little faith.

Peter's ministry with the Savior exemplified his devotion, his willingness to follow the Savior at all costs. When most were abandoning the Savior for his hard doctrines, Peter was the one who boldly stated "Where shall we go thou hast the words of eternal life"

The very evening of Christ's betrayal by Judas, the Savior had already said to Peter, "Tonight thou shalt deny me thrice." When the mob came to take Jesus Christ, Peter far from denying the Savior, he stepped forward and true to his word he prepared to give his live in defense of the man he loved, the man he had been devoted to for the previous 3 years. The Savior again had to calm the impetuous Peter. It's as if Peter was still trying to understand and the Savior was still trying to teach him. Peter, this is the mission and reason I am come into the world. Peter, you have another role and you must allow this.

I don't pretend to know better than others who have spoken or written on this subject, and these are my thoughts and my ideas, but they have given me strength. Peter, the same man who had by revelation learned that Christ was the Savior, Christ the same who had stood with the Savior on the Mount of transfiguration and received keys to the leadership of the Church, was experiencing a crisis, a crisis of faith. Peter knew the Christ was the Savior, he knew that he was called to lead the Church after Christ's death, but this was beyond him. He had a vision, a vision of himself and a vision of what the Savior would do. Peter expected one thing and this betrayal and requirement to accept Christs death was a true crisis. Peter had stood by as the Savior worked out the atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane. He had been so overcome by fatigue, likely brought on by the extreme spiritual experiences of the Last Supper, that he could not watch even one hour.

As I think of Peter, in this state. A man of action, a man who had a powerful testimony of the Savior, a man who was told he would deny knowing the Savior, a man who was devoted to the man who had called him to be a fisher of men, a man who was willing to give up his own life to protect the Savior and had proven it by stepping alone in front of an armed mob. This Peter had been told by this same man he was willing to defend and die for, "But how then shall the ^ascriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?" (Matthew 26:54") I think about what his emotional and spiritual state must have been.

This night for Peter was a true crisis, but I wonder if it was a different crisis than we often think it was. Most see this as a crisis of Peter's faith, a test of his courage, and see his response as a failure, a weakness of his faith in a moment of doubt. This is definitely, a portion of what was going on. Peter, a man of action and of faith, was watching the King of the kingdom he was so anxious to see ushered in, being betrayed, mocked, scorned and this man to whom he was so devoted had himself told him that he must suffer this and die. He knew that he had been given the keys to lead after the death of this man, who was more than a man, but he was scared, and surely his faith, his confidence in this unseen thing, was weakened. Along with that, here was this man who confronted all obstacles and challenges directly with boldness and with powerful statements of his devotion, being asked, and compelled to deny his own nature and submit to the will of God. I believe that part of Peter's crisis this night went beyond his doubts, but went on to the deep challenge of knowing he wanted to do one thing and because of his devotion to the Savior he had to do another. Peter wanted to stand and defend the Savior, he was more than willing to give his life for the Savior, but he couldn't. He had to deny his own nature. He had to humbly submit to a will that wasn't his own. Truly fear and doubt must have influenced his choice to verbally deny knowing the Savior, but what a conflict of soul must have existed for him as he had to deny his own nature to do so. He must have wrestled with his own soul. He had boldly testified of the Savior, and he had boldly promised devotion, but now, his devotion was being tested because he had to stand idly by and let tragedy take it's course. He was tired both physically and spiritually and here was his friend being abused and he could do nothing but stand by and watch it happen. He had seen the Savior escape the manipulations of the Pharisees and Saduccees before, he knew that the Savior could easily call down legions of angels to defend him. This must have been a bitter conflict for a man so willing to take action, to be called upon to deny his own nature and allow this to happen.

So, when he had verbally denied the Savior 3 times and the cock crowed, of course he would go out and weep bitterly. Much of that bitterness was probably brought about by his feeling of failure, his feeling of weakness that he couldn't save Jesus. But much of his bitterness could also have been brought about by his own recognition that he now was called upon to humble himself, to submit his will to something he didn't naturally want to do. Bitterness could have been brought about and his crisis may have included recognizing that his own nature wasn't going to save Jesus. What benefit would it have done Peter to boldly testify of the Savior, and die with him. He knew that he was called to carry on after the Savior was gone. He knew that he was called to lead the church. What a deep crisis this must have been for him to have to stand idly by, deny knowing the Savior and allow this man he loved to die. He knew that Christ was going to be resurrected, but that didn't change to grief that came from recognizing the reality that Christ was first going to suffer and die.

What a challenge for this man. This man of action to have to bridle his own nature and not confront this challenge head on. Peter was called upon to deny his own nature and allow what to him must have appeared a true tragedy, a grief that could not be born. His faith in the living Christ was based on experience and revelation, his faith in the resurrected Christ was one of hope. Of course, he would go out and weep bitterly, Undoubtedly in repentance, but also, I believe, he wept in the crisis of soul that comes when one recognizes that we can no longer pursue our own will but must submit humbly to the will and purpose of something greater.

This view of Peter helps me, when I think of my own will and my own desires, it helps to think that Peter had to be submissive, he had a crisis of faith, a crisis that I don't believe he failed in, but that he was refined by. The rest of Peter's life was full of the action he was so notable for in his discipleship. He led the church boldly and stood forth boldly to defend his testimony of the Savior. Now, his boldness was tempered by this crisis, tempered by the recognition that at times following his own heart would thwart the will of God, recognition that he must boldly do exactly what the Savior and God asked of him.

What a great man this Peter was.

Temple Worship

Temple Worship: 20 Truths That Will Bless Your Life by Andrew C. Skinner


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I really was amazed by this book. I read it in just a little over a week. It was simply amazing. The way that Andrew C. Skinner quickly and succinctly relates specific stories, scriptural references, and historical information to explain doctrines related to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Each chapter highlights a different philosophical idea related to the Temple. Two of the most powerful ideas for me were the idea that the same power that Christ and his apostles and the prophets have used to control the physical world is the same power that activates the ordinances in the Temple. This means that in a very real way we can be physically changed by the covenants we make in the temple. This book gave me a whole new vision and idea of the temple. I can't wait to get back to the Temple again after reading this.

View all my reviews >>

The Secret Garden of the Heart

I have thought a lot about two different scriptures. The first is found in Matthew 13:1-23 the second is Alma 32. Both of these chapters are parables relating to the growth of faint likened to the growth and harvest of plants.

One of the lessons I have learned as I have read and pondered about Matthew 13 is that the soil is like our own hearts. Our hearts, our character, our personality is the place the sower is trying to get the seeds of the Gospel truth to take root and grow. Each different type of soil has it's own problems. The reality is though, soil can be emended (a word that means to correct or improve). When I was growing up, we had two big problems in our fields. We had rocks, and they reproduced somehow because every spring for 40 years that my Father farmed, we would go out and 'pick rock' we would gather all the visible rocks out of the soil and pile them in a couple of rock piles in the field. Every year we did this and yet every year there were new rocks. I know now that it was because the frost over the winter would cause the soil to heave them up to the surface from deeper bedrock, but then, I swore it was supernatural. The other evil we found in our fields were bull thistle these were huge, we could spray them in some fields, but in others the spray would kill the crop along with the weed, so we had to sharpen shovels and cut them out just below the surface to kill them and keep them from growing back.  It was a lot of work.

Our lives are like this.  We have so many things that arise to distract us, and we have to pick the rocks, and root out the weeds in order to give place for the good things to grow in our hearts.  Our hearts are like our own Secret Garden.  A place where we cultivate and root out the ideas, interests, beliefs and hopes, we feel will best bring us happiness.  Each thought, hope or dream we cultivate in our garden grows up and bears specific fruit or gives forth a specific harvest.  We plant in our hearts faith in tithing and it grows, scripture study and it grows, kindness and it grows.

Alma 32 gives more insight as to what the end result of this will be.  We have a tree of life that grows up into a true hope and salvation.  The love of Christ, Charity.

I have to remember, that the main seed I  must plant in my heart to have this tree grow is found in Alma 33: 22-23

Things do change

Ok, so both of you that have read my blog know that I have complained about the chubby guys that like to sprawl next to me on the bus. It's a challenge, and I face it with appropriate indignity.

But things change. Yesterday, I had to leave the office a little early. I jumped onto the train about an hour before I normally do so I could get downtown and catch the early bus home. I sat down up against a window. The next stop rolls up and lo and behold one of the cute coeds sits next to me. There were other options, and other places to sit, but nope, she sat down next to me. She sat there quietly, didn't say anything, and neither did I. Two stops later, she gets off, and what do you know, another cute girl sits down. This girl was younger and looked to be one of the high schoolers getting out of class for the day, anyway she sat next to me until my stop.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not interested in the Coed girls in any real sense. I am just a middle aged pudgy guy (who's working out and dropping pounds right now) who found it just the slight bit flattering that these two girls weren't so repulsed by my appearance and presence that they were willing to sit next to me.

Now, I am being kind of humorous, or trying to be, but really, this got me to thinking about how sometimes simple things can help us feel a little bit better. I had another experience years ago, when driving by a middle school in a bad mood, a student looked up at me from the street corner I was turning around and smiled. The whole atmosphere of my day changed, and really my whole climate. Ever since then, I try to smile more at people, I never know when I might be the one who makes somebody else's day.

Monday Musings: Cleave and Broken things

This morning on the bus I was listening to Elder Holland's talk titled Broken Things to Mend. A few weeks ago I decided it would be a useful thing to download all of the talks from a specific Apostle and listen to them chronologically from oldest to newest. I started with Elder Holland because I remembered that over the course of several conferences he had spoken about The Prophet Joseph Smith, the Godhead, and several other doctrines peculiar to Latter Day Saints. He had was directing his remarks toward other religions and Christian churches pointing out how we are different.

Broken Things to Mend was a wonderful talk and reminded me of the gratitude I should have for the gospel, the church, and my family. It also helped me understand the need I really have for the Savior's influence in my life.

Elder Holland mentioned how remembering what the Savior has done can help build and strengthen a marriage, which got me thinking about an odd word: cleave

It has two meanings. It can mean to cut apart or break up especially along natural lines of weakness. That is the way it is used when talking about how minerals break. But it also means to hold tight to with unwavering loyalty. It is in that sense that it is used when talking about cleaving unto our spouses. I find it ironic that the same word has such different meanings in different contexts, but I do love the word related to marriage.